(Sathya Sai Baba, discourse of 24-6-1989)

Having a child is a great responsibility, but it is also a wonderful gift and a great privilege. A young life has been entrusted to your care. The physical nurturing of the child is only part of the task. Guiding that small being into becoming a self-reliant, honourable young man or woman is the real challenge. It needs a lot of perseverance, a lot of self control, and a lot of patient guidance. The end result can be profoundly rewarding, or, if one has failed, painful beyond belief. But take courage: you do have a tool; along with the birth of the child, you were also endowed with a great love for that new life. That love is the most powerful aid you can have in the task ahead, but it does need to be used wisely.

Over-indulgence, for instance, is not love used wisely. Indulging a child’s ever whim and desire is no way to prepare him or her for life’s disappointments. Sathya Sai Baba wisely reminds us of this: "Parents lead children astray by giving them all that they demand, providing them with the dress they fancy, giving them cars or motorcycles to go places, and allowing them the license to indulge in every desire." (discourse of 31-8-1981) After all, we can none of us have everything our own way, can we? It is therefore cruel to bring up a child under the illusion that it can.

The need for discipline and guide-lines: It is noticeable that a lack of firm guide-lines often makes a child feel insecure. Children are not able to discern what is good for them or not and, deep down, they are aware of that. Wisely establish rules of conduct, right from an early age, actually give a child a feeling of being protected and sheltered from the unknown. It is only within a well-established frameworks, that children gain self-confidence and the ability to handle situations. By learning to trust your judgement, they start learning to trust their own. A lack of firm rules and over-indulgence leads to a spoilt, demanding child, who is uncertain how to handle life and has difficulty relating to others. "Children are charming saplings, full of promise, who, through wise care and well-directed love, can be blossom into ideal citizens, able to understand, appreciate and practise the tough discipline needed for living a spiritual life." (Sathya Sai, discourse of 17-2-1969)

Be protective, but do not hamper initiative: There is a happy medium in everything. While guide-lines are necessary, these should not be so restrictive as to leave the child no space in which to experiment. Some children tend to rely on their parents to the extent that their own capacity for decision making is seriously hampered. One should not be over-protective, just as one should not be too easy going. Both extremes can lead to a sense of insecurity and a lack of self-confidence. As in all things, common sense must prevail. As Sai Baba tells us, "the earlier years of life are the most crucial. The mother and father have to share the responsibility for the proper upbringing of the children.. The skills, attitudes, prejudices and emotions that will make or mar the future, are all built into the foundation of character during the early, crucial years. The parents must lay the foundations strong and straight" (discourse of 17-2-1969)

The following words (author unknown) are worth pondering over:

Praise is good, but don’t overdo it: It has at last been realised that a child does need some encouragement and praise but, like most things, this can be overdone. Give praise when it is due, but don’t shower praise on shoddy work and half-baked efforts. Your child is no fool, and knows perfectly well that it could have done much better, so loses respect for your judgement if you are too easily satisfied. It is much more helpful to examine the work carefully (whether picture, homework, sandcastle, or anything else) praise the good parts, then give constructive hints on how it could be improved. In that way, the child will appreciate that you have shown genuine interest, while, at the same time, being encouraged to do better. One needs to build the child’s self confidence, but giving praise where it is not due can produce the opposite result. The child can become addicted to praise and, when it is not forthcoming, a feeling of insurmountable inadequacy then often takes over.

The need for ideals: Our aim should always be to prepare our children for life. This means giving them ideals, self-confidence, adherence to values, (see section on "The Aim of Education") consideration for others, and the courage to face difficulties. But this also implies that you, yourselves, must practice these virtues. "People want happiness in the family, but they fail to lead exemplary lives. The fault lies with both the husband and the wife. If children have taken to wrong paths these days, the parents alone are responsible, as they are not exemplary in their behaviour either." (Sathya Sai discourse of 19-11-1995)

Children learn by example: As Sai says elsewhere, "Parents must set good examples for their children. Parents talk of honesty, but they utter lies in the presence of their children, and even encourage them to speak falsehood. The father, while at home, asks the child to tell the unwelcome visitor that he is not at home! The child is thus taught his first lesson in prevarication, by the father himself. There is no use blaming the child if he grows into a social menace." (discourse of 1-4-1975)

It is natural for children to imitate the grown-ups around them; that is how they learn. It is no use scolding your child for using an some four-letter word that you, yourself, use at every turn. By all means correct the child, but say also that you realise that you must correct yourself as well; you can even ask him to help you correct yourself – he will be very good at it, and you might even succeed in breaking the habit! "You should have proper control over your children., but first of all you must have control over yourself. Only when the father is good, can he expect his son to be good. Is it possible for him to keep his son at home if he, himself, roams about as he pleases and goes to paces that he should avoid?" (Sathya Sai discourse of 19-11-1995)

TV influence: There is that other nefarious influence that sits in your own living room – the TV. Unfortunately, very little of what is presented on the tele is good. Baba says "What do you find in every home today? A television set. From the moment television made its appearance, the mind of Man has become polluted. Acts of violence were not so rampant previously. Now, people watch TV even when taking food. The result is that the foul things seen on the TV are being ‘consumed’ by the viewer. Concentration on TV affects one’s view of the world. The scenes, thoughts and actions displayed on the TV set fill the minds of the viewers. Unknowingly, agitation and ill-feelings enter their minds, they take root and grow there." (discourse of 15-1-1996)

Restricting your children’s viewing to the children’s programmes, is no solution either. There is as much violence – if not more – being shown on most of the children’s programmes as in everything else, and many of the video games are just as bad. Do please monitor what they see, and restrict it within reasonable limits. When one truly assesses the situation, one is tempted to suggest turning the ‘box’ out of the house altogether, but it would probably be counter productive, for the children will then sneak out to look at their friend’s TV, and that may not be monitored at all. Constant vigilance, and giving one’s children something better to do, is really the only answer. And please don’t use the TV as a ‘baby sitter’ just to get the children out from under your feet!

Young minds need feeding, but very little of what is on TV is wholesome food. Tell them stories, give them good books. "Tell the children epic stories of sacrifice and heroism, and of saints who sought God and saw Him in truth, beauty and goodness everywhere. Children have a sense of wonder, fresh and free; they have a simple eagerness to know; they have reverence towards knowledge and power. Tell them stories of greatness." (discourse of 22-11-1969)

The need for friends: "Children are precious treasures", and it is our duty to guide them, and preserve them – as much as we can – from all the nefarious influences with which the present day society surrounds them. Children have a great need for friends, but not all their friends are good influences. Make sure you know who their friends are, and do what you can As Sai Baba says, "The friends that children collect at school or around the home can have either a beneficial or a deleterious effect on their growth. So can comics, horror stories, terrorism, gunmen, certain pictures, and the cinema posters that degrade the human being into mere flesh and skin – these can drag the prospective hero into a zero. The child that learns to worship money and the things that money can buy then comes to admire cruelty and cunning rather than sympathy and love. So the home, the school and the society – all these three have their share of influence". (discourse of 3-4-1967)

This problem of peer pressure. Like all of us, children have a need to feel accepted. They tend to use their mates as a measure "to keep up with the trend" and move with the times! Handling this problem needs a lot of understanding on the part of parents. Basically, the need to conform to peer pressure arises from a lack of self-esteem, and a fear of not being accepted. Baba says: "Self-confidence is the foundation of life. Just as you cannot build walls without a foundation, you cannot lead a useful life unless it is based on self-confidence." (discourse of 20-4-1998) Parents should therefore do their best to instil self-esteem, self-reliance and self-confidence in their children. Encouraging them to achieve in areas in which they show some ability can do much to bolster their self-esteem.

Another area in which parents can help, is by encouraging children to have their own opinions about things. If a child becomes aware that its views are respected, then that, too, will give it self-confidence. If everything they say is always made fun of, then they soon learn to hide behind the opinion of the majority – in other words, peer pressure.

However, while all the above is important, one also needs to have consideration for the child’s problems. If the child sticks out like a sore thumb because of the clothes you give it to wear, it will become a but for the ridicule of others at school. Their clothes should neither be too shabby, nor too ostentatious. Many schools insist on school uniforms, for this very reason. With those that do not, common sense must come into play. Be sensitive to their feelings about dress, but without allowing yourself to be pushed into complying with every clothing craze that sweeps the school.

Competition and the desire to be first: This is another area that requires delicate handling. Competition means someone wins and someone else loses, and we should all be able to deal with both. Help your children find the rewards for doing their best; show your pride in them for making the attempt. Encourage them to focus on their own effort, not on winning. Let them know that you believe effort counts as much as prizes. It's just as important to be able to say, "I did my best" as it is to say "I won". Your children will then learn the value of being as good as they can be, rather than in being better than someone else.

Sathya Sai Baba advises children against being over-competitive: "I do not like competition and strife, this cultivation of egoism through prizes and ranking. Do not let your achievements be spoilt by either pride or dejection. Take failure coolly, and take victory equally coolly. Whether in sport or examination, even when you fail do not be overcome by despair." (discourse of 25-11-1959)

Your child will not always get high marks: There is a fine line between encouraging your children to do their best, and making them feel that they are failures when they do not achieve the standard of excellence expected of them. Expecting too much of them can be cruel. Feelings of failure are listed as one of the main causes for the shockingly high number of student suicides. So make sure that your child knows that you love him, whether he brings home top marks or not. Children are often lazy; then try and motivate them. They may not have understood the subject because it has been badly explained; then see if you can give them help. They may not like their teacher (or feel the teacher doesn’t like them) so they don’t feel like putting in any effort; try and sort the problem out, but make sure you are helpful, not condemning.

Sometimes, it is just a matter of accepting that your child is not likely to reach the scholarly heights that you had hoped he would achieve, but does it matter? "Nowadays, parents are anxious to see their children become scholars rather than men and women of character. Only those parents are worthy of esteem who prefer that their children should develop good qualities rather than just academic distinction. Education is part of life, but it is not the be all and end all of life. Virtues are the real backbone of life." (discourse of 24-6-1989) They may need to be shown that academic failure is not the end of the world, and that you are ready to help them make a worthwhile life for themselves in other ways.

A child needs to feel accepted: We do love our children ‘warts and all’ as the saying goes, but they don’t always realise it. Accept them as they are. You can help them develop their full potential, but they must shine in their own way, and that is not necessarily your way. I think the words that Kahil Gibran wrote about children should be inscribed in the heart of every parent:

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

You will no doubt be interested to know that Sathya Sai says the same: "Your children are not your children, they are God’s children. You should love them, but your thoughts should not pass to them." (Conversations with Sathya Sai Baba, sec. XXIII old, XXI new edition) so help them to be what they were meant to be, without trying to mould them into some ideal that does not fit their character.

Bring them up in a loving atmosphere: Parenting is not easy – yet, also it is very easy. Bring them up in a loving atmosphere, and there will be very few problems. If Mum and Dad love each other, and face life’s problems together bravely, you will find that the children grow up with few problems. Quarrels are very unsettling. "In some houses, parents quarrel in front of their children. This is an unhealthy practice. If there is any difference of opinion between parents, this should be resolved in the absence of the children. Children cannot concentrate on their studies if they are disturbed by family problems. So parents should never discuss problems in front of their children." (discourse of 29-9-1998) Quarrels at home make a child feel very insecure. Let them grow in an atmosphere of love, then they will know how to face the world.

Nowadays, there are many single parents, battling on bravely to bring up the children. It is not easy, and certainly not ideal – especially when the other parent is around somewhere, and the children’s loyalties are divided. I don’t say it can’t be done, but it is much more difficult. Children are very good at playing one parent against the other (even in an ordinary, two-parent home), and when the parents are separated they can do it even more expertly. Marriage is not something that should be broken at the drop of a hat. Your children are a mixture of both of you, and they need you both.

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